My Committee of the Interior

Soulwork Toward Sunday: self-guided retreat
Passion Week

Jesus Before Caiaphas, Duccio, 1308-11, detail

Here in my soul, I see the bureaucrats sitting in uninformed judgment. They don’t have all the facts. They don’t have all the information they need. They don’t see the big picture. Annas, Pilate. Caiaphas. The Sanhedrin. My Committee of the Interior.

They like to hear themselves hold forth with loud opinions, no matter the long-term consequences. They appeal to that day’s shouting rabble, the crowd at hand, the crowd addicted to drama, to adrenalin, to the quick-moving surface of passing events.

My true life will be crucified by shallow bureaucrats impressing one another by their cleverness. One rises and clears his throat. “It is expedient for you that one man should die for the people…” The others nod, pretending they understand.

So, too, in the world.

Woe to the ones who stop to think before they speak. Woe to the ones lingering in the library. Woe to the fact checkers. Woe to those who contemplate the darkness, who face and embrace unpleasant truths. Woe to those who tell the story from the beginning and hold out for a graceful ending. Woe to those holding ambiguity in their weakening grasp. Woe to the weary reconcilers.

I know the arrogant class. They look just like my Committee. I hear myself speak, therefore I must be right! Don’t you worry your pretty head, little lady, I’m in charge.

You may be in charge, but you’re destroying the already diminishing life in me. You will kill me out of your empty ignorance. And just for the slightest, most temporary, greedy thrill.

And so, when I contemplate the Passion, and hear the self-satisfying pundants condemning Christ to death before going out for lunch, I can’t exactly hold them up as the enemy. I know these men. I know them all. They live in me.

And I am crucifying You in me.

Forgive us. We do not know what we are doing.


2 Responses to “My Committee of the Interior”

  1. claire bangasser (@clairebangasser) Says:

    Thank you for helping me recognize those shadows that inhabit my life…

  2. Cynthia Hallas Says:

    Amazing. Thank you, Suzanne!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: